I did it again.
It was 12am and it was time for the mindless munchie monster to come out.
First it was the bagels…blueberry? cinnamon raisin? I can’t decide. They are both equally delicious….but I’ll go with blueberry! Oh that chewy exterior and soft interior. I can’t get enough of it. Wait what? I’m done already? Hmm…that cinnamon raisin looks pretty good right about now. Maybe I’ll have that one too…afterall, it’s just one more.
Next was the chocolate. Huh? Mom picked up a new bar of dark chocolate and it has mint in it? I haven’t had mint chip, my favorite flavor combination in such a long time! I’m just going to try a square. Oh my gosh. So. Good. And that snap when I bite into it because it’s cold…a couple more won’t hurt.
Okay, I’m good now. I had my two giant bagels and 3 squares of chocolate. All done, no more. However, despite the fact that my belly was beyond satisfied..
I wanted MORE.
So here came the cereal. Woah, since when did we get this kind? Berry banana flavored minion cereal? Cute, crunchy and intriguing. Nom nom nom. How did I end up finishing half the box without realizing it? I should probably put this back into the pantry now…
But then on the way out, I came across the bread. Oooo! We still have Chelsea loaf left over in the pastry box! I’ll just have a slice…or two, or three. Huh? There’s only two slice left? Well, I might as well finish them all now so I don’t get tempted to have them tomorrow.
I should stop.
I should really really go to bed now I’m waaaayy beyond full.
Except…before that I should probably balance all that out with some fruit so I don’t feel sick tomorrow. Oh, I know! We have a bunch of blueberries from when we went blueberry picking! I’ll just have a giant bowl of those! They are so sweet and delicious, I could have another bowl of these. Perhaps I should, afterall, it’s healthy healthy fruit!
Somewhere somehow, before I knew it, I devoured a whole day’s worth of calories in one sitting.
And then the guilt settled in. I asked myself how I could let this happen. How could I get so out of control like that? I was doing so well, I hadn’t binged in so long. I thought I was past this. And the thing is, I did this consciously. I chose to eat every single bite of that food and throughout the whole process, I knew that I was on the road to binge town but I kept going anyways. It was as if I couldn’t control myself and I just kept going and going despite the fact that I consciously knew that what I was doing was going to make me feel sick and sluggish.
Okay, I can’t take any of it back. It happened. I ate. I can do something about it tomorrow though! Alright, here’s the game plan. I won’t have anything until I get home from work late afternoon, sip on detox tea all day and only eat when I’m hungry. Then, I’ll make sure I walk home from work (3.7 km), run a bunch of errands around my neighborhood and get in a good hour of HIIT. Hmm…that sounds a little intense, plus I am trying to rehab my knee and ankle right now…so I really shouldn’t be pushing it too hard…but it’s just one day right? I’ll just do extra recovery exercises afterwards. It’ll be okay!
Does this happen to any of you too?
I’ve wanted to talk about this for a long time but I was scared to because I was ashamed. I was such a hypocrite. I mean here I am encouraging others to live a balanced lifestyle and advocating healthy eating habits on my blog and social media…yet there I was, binge eating every now and then exhibiting restrictive behaviors and overexercising to “make up” for it the next day.
I’ve talked about my disordered eating past before, and I recovered from it. I began to eat “normally” again, I stopped restricting the types of foods I ate, I stopped counting calories and I even began to eat for maintenance for the first time in years. I was happy and things couldn’t be better.
But as of a few months ago, it all started up again. At first it was innocent, I started a new workout routine, upped my protein intake to build muscle and these changes made me feel amazing. I had never felt so fit and for once in my life, I was able to look in the mirror and love what I saw.
Before I knew it, disaster hit.
This was when disaster struck. Since I was finally able to feel confident and love how I looked physically, I didn’t want to go back. I began to label foods as “clean” and “dirty” again despite the fact that this was what made me spiral into an unhealthy relationship with food the first time around. Then, I started to get anxious about food again and the thought of eating something I didn’t think was “clean” terrified me to no end. I began to track my macros to make sure I got enough protein everyday and barely any fats. I went out of my way to ensure that I got at least 30 minutes of HIIT in a day six times a week even though I knew that HIIT should only be done 3-4x a week because it’s so hard on your body.
I’ve been trying to get better and dig myself out of this for the past couple of months but to be honest, I’m beyond struggling to do so. I feel like I keep telling myself that I’m going to start eating intuitively and only exercising when and if I feel like it given that my joints are fully healed. But the fear of gaining weight, losing body definition and losing my new found body confidence overwhelms me and I end up giving into my disordered thoughts again and again.
Feeling out of control.
So despite the fact that (almost) everyone thinks that I’m the healthiest person in the world, I am not. The truth is, food and exercise controls me. They dictate my mood, my schedule, and my social life. All because I don’t trust myself.
Why am I choosing to share this part of me? Because I want to be honest with myself and all of you lovelies. I want to change and most of all, I want to be able to trust myself.
This post marks the beginning of my journey to intuitive eating and living a healthy balanced lifestyle. I hope you all follow me on this journey where I learn to relinquish foods control over me, challenge my fear foods, fight for balance and discover the importance of moderation.
PS: If any of you have gone through this yourself and feel comfortable sharing your story or have any advice for me, I would love to hear it.